I have decided to start writing in topics (at least on some days), because that's what Henhen is doing.

I digress... today's topic is on why I keep coming back to type entries onto this page that I think no one reads.

As with many other subjects, there are many reasons to why I blog.

Here's the ugly though perfectly honest reason #1: I can't get myself to say everything I want to say in real life. There are barriers even between my best friends and me. I can't tell them everything. No, not everything. Many things, to some even most things, but not everything.

The internet does provide me with a sense, however false, of security, of confidentiality. I can type more freely on line because the web is such an impartial/detatched media. I always feel somewhat removed/detatched from real life when I type on the internet so I find I can also say more of what's in my mind, slight, but still more. Of course, I can't type everything I want to type on this page either becuase I fear those who knows me in real life may one day inadvertently find this page/or I unwittingly in a moment of mindlessness direct them to this page.

Now the question that may be on your mind is: So why the hell do you even bother publishing entries when you don't want your friends to read them?

The answer is simple: if I don't publish these entries then writing these entries would be just like talking to myself. As narcissistic as I may be, I think I have enough talk with myself after filing for 7 hours day. Even if no one reads these entries, at least I can have the illusion of actually expressing myself to another human being.

As for dangers of pouring my life into a blog... I have to admit, writing in a blog, and letting everyone reply at times it reminds me of Harry Potter book 2 where Ginny writes in the ominous diary that eats the ink of her words and spit out mysterious replies to her entries. Yet, I just can't see a way web predators people talk about can use what I type here to their advantage.

Let's see what people can tell by reading my entries: that I am a female who is periodically depressed about school, cynical about love though deep inside wish wholeheartedly that one day she can witness pure love untarnished by betrayals, unfaithfulness, lust, greed, lies and everything else that can tarnish love, directionless and confused about the future because she is not particularly good at anything, loves and hates her job and school at the same time, conservative and careful by nature about important decisions in life, but careless about things she deems useless/meaningless in the greater scheme of things, plague by guilt, though outwardly/vocally blames others for her mistake, secretly she attributes all mistakes to herself, very self-conscious.....

In other words, an extremely boring person.

Who some may say does not take enough chances in life, they are probably right. But living on the wild side would mean not being myself so can can I betray myself that way?

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