Ahhhh... let's see, yesterday I was angry at Laina, I am not anymore. I find I can't be mad at one person for a long time. I can never hate a person a lot either. Ah well.

It snowed yesterday, so I guess that was what lightened my mood. It's very pretty with everything all blanketed in white.

The year is finally going to end. I don't think I have much to say. I am never big on new year. To me it's just another day. I suppose I can comment on how the year went by a little slower than last year.

I guess I can also comment on my bitterness toward swimming. Which is not a great thing to comment upon, but you know what? I no longer care. I don't feel bad for missing practices, and I don't feel bad for being the slowest in the group. You can't say I have no ambition, I used to have a lot of those. I used to had hopes and dreams about how great I will be at swimming, but you know what? It all comes down to nothing. I made a choice and I am not going to regret it now. I can't actually do my best all the time in everything.

So now I am not going to even try to be perfect cause I know I am not. That and the fact that the coach doesn't really care also made me loose interest. I am not blaming everything on him of course. It's partly my fault too. Everything go in circles after all, and the more I disappoint him because I can never get to a practice early the less he cares for me. So because I see that he no longer cares I stop even trying to be early. He see that I don't make any effort so he decided to care even less... and on and on it goes until now where he doesn't care at all and neither do I.

It's sad, I suppose, to think how much I cared about this sport a few years earlier, but then again, once you lost faith in something the magic is just gone forever.

I just hope that will not happen to my schoolwork.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say.

At the moment I feel like swearing, a lot. But I never like typing swear words so you can just replace all my semi swear words with swear words and you can read what I really mean with what I am about to say here.

Just talked to Laina, she got pissed, and I got pissed for different reasons.

Seriously with best friends like that why actually have best friend?

If I die I don't think she will freaking care the moment Keith appear in 200km radius.

She freaking promised me that she would see me the week before Christmas, that she would see me during Christmas. Well guess what? I didn't see her the week before Christmas and I didn't see her last week except for two hours during sunday when she graced me with her presence. Why the hell am I did only one who want to keep this friendship together? She doesn't care at all. I mean it's not like I don't want to understand her. It's not like I don't want her to have a boyfriend. It's not like I don't understand how happy she is when Keith is around. I know that freaking well.

So I told her to go and phone me when she is actually home. She never does, so I have to phone her instead. I don't freaking care about that. I don't mind being the one who have initiative, but you know with the amount of time she spends with Keith it's impossible for me to ever see her.

It's like this: she always think it is a hassle to go travel to Keith and see him, so she reasons she should see him as much as she could this hosliday. But the truth the distance doesn't matter at all because she is willing to travel that distance and go see him all the time. She always think that she can see me anytime because I live so close. But don't she understand that although we live so close together we still never see each other because all she really want to spend time with is Keith?

The truth, the unhappy truth that she doesn't seem to see at all is that she doesn't want to see me at all. And she also think Keith is 10 times more important than I am.

Which is okay. I mean I understand. She has a much closer bond with Keith than with me. But I have known her longer didn't I? I have spent so many more hours worring about her than Keith.

Which just bring me back to that depressing thought - if I die today she won't freaking care at all if Keith is next to her. She won't even care.

And why the hell do I have tears in my eyes now. Damn it!

It's not just this week, it's every week. She only talks to me for two hours a week now at most and that is only because I phone her myself. When ever I do that she always seem to want to get off the phone, and I fell freaking guilty because I am using up her time that she can do homework in. But really she hardly do homework anyway, so maybe this guilt goes more toward me using up her time that she can be talking to Keith.

When ever I talk about this bitterly to anyone they always tell me Laina probably need me too because a boy friend and a best friend are different and at times you need a best friend more than a boy friend. Well I am freaking tried of that talk. What is the use of a best firen when they are never around anyway. What is the use of a best friend who never talks to you on their own, who is never there when you need them to most. Don't she see how lonely I get in school dispite the amount of people I am around with.... Don't she see anything other than Kieth anymore?

I am so freaking tired of this.

She asked me why I am sad today. But what am I suppose to say: Becuase you are never freaking around anymore? Because You only seem to care for Keith? Because you don't seem to want me around anymore?

I can never tell her why I am angry and sad because it would sound like I am blameing everything on her. I don't want to make her feel guilty. Damn it why do I have to be so considerate? And when I finally got enough courage to actually say something about this, she got mad and I couldn't help but feel guilty again, even though the person who is really really angry is actually me.

Damn it why can't I express my feelings at all?

But of course, maybe it is just me. I am the one who actually is dependant on her. I am the one who actually want to see her. See that is the reason why she never phones - she doesn't need me. All she needs is Keith. As long as he is around she is alive and happy.

And shouldn't I be too if I really like Laina? I mean if she is happy shouldn't I be happy for her?

Of course I should. That's why I should not bad mad at her. I should be more mad at myself. Which I think I am that is why I am crying and that is why I can never yell at her while she can yell at me as much as she want to. I deserve all those yelling after all, don't I?

Just thought I should comment on the snow we actually got two days ago. It's still not all gone. You can still see some on the roofs of houses where the sun did not shined directly on and on the roads and grass. Naturally its not really snow anymore, it's ice, hard ice, but it still looks white.

I liked snow, I really do.

Ah look! There goes my short sentense again, I keep using these in my creative writing don't I? Personally I think it is my writing style. I never think much of them but Psybird commented on them, therefore I thought I about them.

Geese, I am talking they same way they do in The Stranger. It's odd how a book can affect how I talk and write. Oh gosh I don't like this, but I can't help myself, after reading that book for a few hours today I think that writing style is stuck in my head, the same way the comic book writing style is stuck in my head after I read Book of Magic at night.

Father is going to Hong Kong tomorrow, which is really a surprise. I knew he would go but I thought it would be a few days later. Grandmother has kidney failiour. She didn't eat much in the last few months so she got really weak and she fell from exortion twice last week. I guess it's just our fate for this year, my parents just have to keep flying back and forth from Hong Kong. No wonder they have to take up some part time jobs - tickets do cost money and so does the shopping that is prone to happen in Hong Kong.

Oh, yeah I volunteered at nature park today. I stood with Rigina outside in the cold for three hours (remember the ice that is still on the roads even after two days). Luckily we were at a hot chocolate stand and we were allowed to drink as many cups as we wanted to. Our hands were kept relatively cold but our toes were frozen. In fact they are still froze even after a hole hours inside with me trying to warm up my toes.

It's boxing day and I went and bought some English comics - that's right no manga - English comics.

I bought the original Books of Magic by Neil Gaiman. It was really worth the money (especially when it is 25% off). The drawing is very very pretty. Totally different from the other Books of Magic. I like it a lot better... except for the fact that now Tim looks scarily like my bro when he was little in some pics because of his glasses. I also got a copy of Kabuki images #2. It's on sale and the pictures are really pretty... Lastly I bought Elektra and Wolverine the Redeemer, becuase it is illestrated by Yoshitaka Amano. My mom think those illustations are evil. Oh well. =P

Ah...

My Christmas gifts... I got pretty good gifts this year. Only one true junk that I seriuosly don't want. This girl gave me a puzzle of all things, and to think I gave her something good! Well she will definately get it next year. I am not giving her anything better than her puzzle. My best gift is from my parents: a 15 inches LCD monitor that saves my eyes from pain. My second best gift, I have to say came from Michelle (no Michelle I am not saying this just because I know you will visit this site, but I truely did love your gift really much). Naruto just rocks so much. I don't know how to thank you enough. Oh and Somnifer gave me a comic version of Metamorphosis, Regina gave me this stuff toy, a small cool looking radio thing and a bag of Reese (it's too bad I don't like peanut butter). Jenny gave me this Santa Claus decoration that although is really junk is really cute, so I am hanging it in my room right now. ^_^

Today is the second offical holiday for Christmas. The weather is unnaturally warm, so warm I can open my window and I can still wear shorts and shirts. Yesterday I did nothing except finishing up my new layout for my site. I finished the update page layout and scanned plus edited my a few of my pictures so they are ready to be seen by the public. The pictures look okay after I am done with them. ^_^I got my room to a tolerable clean level. It's quite amazing.

Gifts are piling up under the tree, I still didn't open any of them. I can't wait for Christmas day.

School ended offically today after an one hour assembly. We sang Christmas Carols and then the principle said something about how the old school is only memorable because of all the people inside (and Jex said: "And she just realized that now?!"). I waited for Miss Yesui because I promised her I would help her moved, but it turned out that she can't let any students inside the building so I left with Jex. We walked through Richmond Centre to chapters. We looked hastily at some books then we decided to go to Starbucks partly because they had chairs there and partly because Jex had yet to eat breakfast after her fifteen minute of sleep (yes she pulled an almost all nighter just for the hack of it). I went and bought this strawberry pastery thing and a cup of hot Vanilla Creme. It was nice. Then we walked a bit more to Daizo, a new shop where everything is imported from Japan and everything are only $2. I saw much of interest but nothing worth buying. Next I went to Yohan and ate lunch with my parents, leaving Jex to do her grocery shoping.

I ate some Udon. It was really good. After that I did my three and a half hour of caroling for various senior's homes. Not only did I half lost my voice but I also find myself half sick with an extremely runny nose, sneezes and stupid teary eyes. Feel rather miserable at the moment. Why am I always sick at Christmas?! Why God? WHY?!

Anyway, seeing I was a bit sick and also been out the whole day I am at the moment feeling rather antisocial so I decided to call of seeing Lord of the Rings tonight and watch the movie tomorrow afternoon. It's nice I suppose, but I think I will be totally antisocial again tomorrow because after the movie I have to go to the churuch Christmas thing for dinner. =_=

Oh there is one thing I am thankful for: my tongue doesn't hurt as much as yesterday or the day before anymore. In other words I can actually eat normally and would be able to talk normally if not for my stuffy nose, with is once again making me talk oddly. Stupid flu.

Oh right there is actually another thing I should be thankful for: I got a letter from Tracy. Sounds like she is doing very well. I am glad for her. She is thinking about IB at the moment like I was last year. I hope she decide to go. It's not a horrible program. She seems happy about her life. I just wish I get to hear from Vivian, who I lost track of and who Tracy also lost track of. She didn't write a letter to me for ages and I don't have her address anymore. =(

Oh... last day of school. I am just finished with school. Finally Christmas holiday is coming. Well, pretty much - I just have an one hour assembly tomorrow.

Damn I want to talk to Laina today but I don't think I should I mean she is sort of busy - um... sort of very busy. I should not talk to her, but I really really want to. Maybe I will just talk to her for a few minutes asking when I can see her again.

Isn't this sad? It's like I have to beg her just to see her. -_- What great friend eh? Ah well, I suppose I will phone her anyway. I mean I can just act like I don't know she has a big essay due tomorrow. And when she is on the phone she would sound annoyed, this thought make me laugh out loud.

Ah... I don't know what to do. I think today is the last time I will see her for a long time. Unless she can see me on Saturaday... in that case I suppose I would be happy.

I should get going soon I suppose. I do need to go swimming.

Wee I finally finished everything annoying and hard today. All I have left is Physic's web homework and some bio questions! I don't have that much more I must do!!!! I am so happy! I am almost done! Woohoo~~~ Christmas is here!!! I can feel it! Weeee!!!!!

Christmas gift #2 came from Regina. =) I need to give everyone Christmas gifts soon, don't I?

Ah... it's almost Christmas. I can feel it. Michelle gave me my first Christmas present today. Here is what I know about the gift: it has something to do with Naruto and it is some sort of book. I want to open it very badly but I am restraining myself from doing so. I refuse to spoil the fun. In any case, anticipating is always better than the reality so I am just going to continue anticipating.

I suppose wrapping Christmas present is like Schroedinger trapping his cat in the box with radioactive substance that have 50% chance of killing the cat: if you don't know what is inside those wrappings, then the gift have 50 percent chance to be very good or very bad. Of course, in our imagination, mostly the gifts are all very good. And because you don't know what that somethig is, although it may be something you don't want, as long as you think of it as something wonderful, you would be happy.

But I really doubt Michelle present can be anything but good - I mean, come on, it has something to do with Naruto how can it be actually bad?

So I have four more days of real school before I can truely chill. Here is a list of what I must worry about:

1. English project (due tues, only started on it)
2. History document test (on mon, I don't know how to study for this)
3. Chemistry test (on wed, have yet to study *eep*)
4. Biology questions (60 of them) (due thurs, I can only do this in class and so far I only finish 15)
5. Physics lab (due wed, I finish most of the lab, there is just the written part left)

So... yes, this sort of help me sort out what I must finish. hopefully I will get everything done. ^_^

I went shopping for Laina's gift yesterday. I had loads of fun including reading the final issue of Hunter: Age of Magic at the comic book store. It was plenty fun. The art was disappinting but the ending was fun. I suppose I wouldn't say it's the best ending in the world but it was definately worth reading.

Funny though, after seeing the ending the series just lost its magic. I think I might still buy Books of Magic though becuase that was a much superior series interms of art. =) You also get to see a lot more of Molly. Not saying you don't get to see Molly in Hunter: Age of Magic, but you know, Tim just had too many flings by that time for his relationships to be taken seriously.

Now as for Blade of Immortals... That girl who married Anotsu Kagehisa died!!!! I can't believe it I thought she was so nice and cute and she died!?! She killed herself in book 73. >_< Her last speech was to her dead step father (who got killed by an enemey of Anotsu and then Anotsu cut his head off to end his suffering. The poor girl saw what happened and told Anotsu to get going. Anotsu was kind of touched, but he went his way anyway. The girl then sat next to her step father and said a speech like this:

"Thank you so much for giving me this pleasent dream. I had waited so long for such a man to come and bring me, no us, out of this miserable mountain. I have waited 20 years and still such a man never came. Now, why would such a man come now after 20 long years? When I married him I knew it would only be a dream. But you know, I expected that. Ever since I was little I knew we would never be able to leave this mountain. But I know the one way, a much simpler way to free myself free. I just wonder now why I did not choose this way in the beginning...."

That will forever remain as the saddest chapter in the history of this series in my opinion. Sob. No!!!! She died... sob...

Kill me now, kill me now. The stupid Bio lab is due tomorrow (which I am still not finish), at the same time I have a math test and a Mandarin test thing. I am so not ready. I am going to die.....

I hate labs. I don't know how much more I can actually hate labs but I do hate labs. I hope one day I won't need to do any more labs. But for this week I have to do 3 labs. I am so going to die.

I hate labs. I hate labs. I hate labs.