Grandmother died.

It was quite sudden, just a week ago, the doctors were saying that she probably has a year more to live if the medication does not work. The medication seemed to have worked. Auntie Po said she looked healthier after taking the medicine. I don't understand why the doctors made such a mistake. How can they? We trusted them so much and they let us down. I was planning to go back to Hong Kong in the summer, I would have sacrificed Summer School once again to see her again, but I guess that won't be needed now.

I hate myself for thinking what I was thinking this morning. It was so shelfish. Just this morning when my mom told me she was going to go to Hong Kong next week becuase grandma fainted during her blood transfusion and all I thought about was how chaotic the house will be after she leave. I did not even think of how grandma could have died, right then, half way around the globe. I wish I was there to see her go, I think it would make me feel better now. It would have make me feel I carry out my reponsibilities as a grand daughter, the favorite grand daughter. I am her favorite, I think, even if she never says it. It is just a silent acknowledgement. She likes me even if Alice wins more competitions. I was cute when I was young.

I feel even worst because I could have asked for prayers last week when Oz asked, or the week before. I could have. It might have helped. Last two times I asked it worked. She lived and I was able to see her again this summer. This time I thought, it was probably not God's doing, so I did not ask. I refused to ask, even though I had so many chances to ask. Of course the prayers may not be heard, the prayers may not have helped, and there may not be a God. But there may... and there is not harm in asking. It is a possibility, a speck of hope. But it is too late for that too.

I feel sorry for mom, at the moment she must be blaming herself for not going to Hong Kong earlier. She drowns herself with cooking and phoning. She must be blaming herself for not staying in Hong Kong this summer longer, she must be blaming herself because she knew there were so many opportunities, excuses she could have used to go to Hong Kong. If she decided to go back when my grandmother's health was starting to turn bad in the beginning of this month she could have seen her, touch her, talk to her. She could have told her she was sorry for some unknown lies she told in her childhood that my grandmother never found out, small meaningless things like that, but those make all the differences. She could have hugged her, or perhaps say something that Chinese never seem to ever say to their own mother -- I love you.

That's the thing, most Chinese don't show their feelings enough, not when it counts. At least it is the case with my family, and maybe even more so for the generation before me. I know parents would have been too busy to make enough money for food to kiss their children good night, or hug them, or just saying I love you. Even now, I never told my parents I loved them and I am sure my mother never told either parents that either. She must have thought, when my garndfather died that she would not make the same mistake with my grandmother, but words, although the reach the tip of our lips, we can't say it. We can never say it. Even when we want to.

And I think it is the same with my grandmother. Even when she criticized my mother for going to Hong Kong when there was SARS she only criticized because she was worried. She understood how much it took my mother to go back then right? She must have. I know she did understand, perhaps not in the beginning but when she was reconstructing the events. She probably have so much more she want to say to each of her children before she go. What was she thinking about before she fell asleep last day. She must have thought she would wake up again, right? Or did she know? If she knew did she accept it?

Or was she like me? Walking past that departure door as quickly as I could, without even taking a really good look at her? I should have. But I did not want her to see me cry. That is the real reason I think but at that moment I told myself I waited for the rest of my family at the other side of the door because I think seeing me any longer would make her cry. Why did not I hug her serously when I had the chance. Why is showing my feelings so hard. I imagine in that last week before I left how I would leave. I imaged I would hug my grandmother really hard and tell her I really do love her, and thank her for everything she did when I was young? But I could not do that when it really happen. I could only hug her like I was joking. I could not say anything to her. Did she think I was excited to leave when I went past that door so quickly? I was not that excited. I could not stand the idea that I must leave and never see her again. I could not stand the idea that I could not see her last breath, or go to her funeral. I could not stand the idea that the next time I see her I would not see her in person. That was why I was crying so hard on the plane. I want to say so much to her but I could not and I know this will continue to happen. I knew before hand that when I next got to talk to her on line, I could only talk like I was hyper, like I could not sit still, like I could not talk like I erally meant it. I could not say way I really meant to say to people I really know and love. I still can't.

Is it me? It seems to me everytime she seems me she get sick quickly afterwards. After she came to Canada she found out she had cancer. After I left from Hong Kong she found her cancer is reactivated. Is it just that I am bad luck?

Maybe if I don't see her, she would not find her cancer reactivated.

She is gone, as fast as how grandfather died. And somehow I feel I have failed as a granddaughter again.

2 Comments:

• At 5:56 PM,  Anonymous said…

  If my grandmother died like that, I'd probably feel the same way as you. I wish I could hug you or comfort you somehow, but seeing as I live a couple of thousand miles away from Canada, I can only hope that your grief will soon be in the past.
  
  --Val

   

• At 2:38 PM,  Anonymous said…

  I'm so sorry about your grandprents. Life can be really hard sometimes , especially if one of our loved ones die. But remember,you aren't responsible as much as it feels that way.I bet your Grandmother knew you loved her. Grandparents can just tell.Your life may seem pretty down right now, but know that I will be praying for you. Love others who are still with you and take advanage of every moment.You can't change the past , but you can definetely make a difference in the future.
  -Ri

   

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