At the moment I feel like swearing, a lot. But I never like typing swear words so you can just replace all my semi swear words with swear words and you can read what I really mean with what I am about to say here.

Just talked to Laina, she got pissed, and I got pissed for different reasons.

Seriously with best friends like that why actually have best friend?

If I die I don't think she will freaking care the moment Keith appear in 200km radius.

She freaking promised me that she would see me the week before Christmas, that she would see me during Christmas. Well guess what? I didn't see her the week before Christmas and I didn't see her last week except for two hours during sunday when she graced me with her presence. Why the hell am I did only one who want to keep this friendship together? She doesn't care at all. I mean it's not like I don't want to understand her. It's not like I don't want her to have a boyfriend. It's not like I don't understand how happy she is when Keith is around. I know that freaking well.

So I told her to go and phone me when she is actually home. She never does, so I have to phone her instead. I don't freaking care about that. I don't mind being the one who have initiative, but you know with the amount of time she spends with Keith it's impossible for me to ever see her.

It's like this: she always think it is a hassle to go travel to Keith and see him, so she reasons she should see him as much as she could this hosliday. But the truth the distance doesn't matter at all because she is willing to travel that distance and go see him all the time. She always think that she can see me anytime because I live so close. But don't she understand that although we live so close together we still never see each other because all she really want to spend time with is Keith?

The truth, the unhappy truth that she doesn't seem to see at all is that she doesn't want to see me at all. And she also think Keith is 10 times more important than I am.

Which is okay. I mean I understand. She has a much closer bond with Keith than with me. But I have known her longer didn't I? I have spent so many more hours worring about her than Keith.

Which just bring me back to that depressing thought - if I die today she won't freaking care at all if Keith is next to her. She won't even care.

And why the hell do I have tears in my eyes now. Damn it!

It's not just this week, it's every week. She only talks to me for two hours a week now at most and that is only because I phone her myself. When ever I do that she always seem to want to get off the phone, and I fell freaking guilty because I am using up her time that she can do homework in. But really she hardly do homework anyway, so maybe this guilt goes more toward me using up her time that she can be talking to Keith.

When ever I talk about this bitterly to anyone they always tell me Laina probably need me too because a boy friend and a best friend are different and at times you need a best friend more than a boy friend. Well I am freaking tried of that talk. What is the use of a best firen when they are never around anyway. What is the use of a best friend who never talks to you on their own, who is never there when you need them to most. Don't she see how lonely I get in school dispite the amount of people I am around with.... Don't she see anything other than Kieth anymore?

I am so freaking tired of this.

She asked me why I am sad today. But what am I suppose to say: Becuase you are never freaking around anymore? Because You only seem to care for Keith? Because you don't seem to want me around anymore?

I can never tell her why I am angry and sad because it would sound like I am blameing everything on her. I don't want to make her feel guilty. Damn it why do I have to be so considerate? And when I finally got enough courage to actually say something about this, she got mad and I couldn't help but feel guilty again, even though the person who is really really angry is actually me.

Damn it why can't I express my feelings at all?

But of course, maybe it is just me. I am the one who actually is dependant on her. I am the one who actually want to see her. See that is the reason why she never phones - she doesn't need me. All she needs is Keith. As long as he is around she is alive and happy.

And shouldn't I be too if I really like Laina? I mean if she is happy shouldn't I be happy for her?

Of course I should. That's why I should not bad mad at her. I should be more mad at myself. Which I think I am that is why I am crying and that is why I can never yell at her while she can yell at me as much as she want to. I deserve all those yelling after all, don't I?

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