Some how after watching Pride and Prejudice for the second time (all six tapes) and then watch You've Got Mail right afterwards I got into this extremely angsty mood so Laina, if you by any chance is reading this please forgive me or just don't read this all together becuase I know you hate reading exessive mellowdramatic stuff.

I really don't know what caused this whinny mood. I don't understand this. I mean I just watched two completely romantic comedy. I am not suppose to be thinking about my life at the moment. But I am and I can't help it... I have been thinking why for the last thirty minutes and my mind is still blank. Maybe it's not even the movies, maybe it's becuase I reread some of my fanfiction. In any case, I am just going to let my mind flow right now.

You know how when you look at your life sometimes you can see periods? For Laina it was her short happy period, her trying to get popular period, her angsty period and then her newest period - her lovey-dovey period. For me... it is as if my life is split into two parts by a distinct line. It seems like the first half of my existance passed in blissful dream. Everything went my way mostly. Everyone seemed to like me. I got along with people fine. I was arrogant, I was conceited, I was proud, I was confident, I was popular, I was bossy, I was jealous and I was bold. My personality was outward. You would never see me alone for even one moment. My life, even when I was a baby was surrounded by people, who, while they may say bad things behind my back, did not say bad things in front of my face. I was my teacher's pet and everyone know that. But I wouldn't say there's not reward for being a teacher's pet. I did get rewards. The teachers used to give me gift they don't give to anyone else. I used to get picked when ever there's any compitition. I got the power to get people I dislike in trouble, and there were occations when teachers fought over me. I remember.

I can't say I am really proud of this period of life. I mean I hate how horrible I was now and I can see how fake most of those friends are... I am surprise I actually got a few true friends.

Then comes the other half when I moved to Canada. I can't say I hate the country when I first came, or even now. I love the trees. I love the grass. My first thoughts when I moved here was how green the land looked and how beautiful and big the houses are. I loved how there were not homework. I loved it how my new home was so big. But the difference between HK and Canada was so great that when reality hit me it hit me hard. It took me a while to get the message that not everyone liked me, that I am the not the coolest person in the world, and that some people actually think I am an idiot.

And I probably was.

Imagine how depressed I was when suddenly I found myself walking around the stupid school alone and friendless and you watches from the background at your classmates laughing and talking and you wonder what the hell you did to push everyone away. I don't think it was that bad when I did not know English at all. It just got really bad when I knew enough English to know that they hate me but not enough to talk back to them.

You start apologizing for everything when that happens. Maybe it's human nature, when you are desperate for a friend you would just apologize even though you don't know what. You would leave your pride and... sometimes you just follow those people even though inside you know they don't care and think you are stupid and annoying.

I hate rejections. They hurt. They really do. The offensor never knows what they did. They never remember. It's just the victim. The victim remembers everything, even though the action might have been small. They drell on something and they just can't seem to let go even though they know it is stupid. Then that rejection would eat away a part of their true personality. You know, when you are humble by enough people even the most philanthropic person would become misanthropic.

You just just stop trusting people. You stop being optimistic. You stop being so friendly. You stop having any confident in yourself. You start building walls around yourself and protect yourself from another emotional trauma. And you stop starting conversations and stop talking to anyone who you don't usually talk to.

Then after a while, when you look around you and you realize you don't have any friends, you start wondering if you will ever be likable - If anyone would ever like you... And you would realize that it is all your own faults...

To think my mom thought for the longest time I make so many friends. She thinks I am so outward and open and popular. She thinks I have thousands of friends like I used to. It took her so long to realize that I only have one or two who I can really consider friends. Those fake smiles really work.

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